Unreal

Dear daddy,

It still doesn't feel real. I don't know if it ever truly will. You were always just there, and my heart can't accept that you are really gone. I cry a lot when I'm alone because it just hurts so bad to not be able to joke with you, hug you, or even just watch old TV shows with you. We had taken to watching Bonanza together in the afternoons. I'd ask you questions about what was going to happen in each episode. I remember every time The Outlaw Josey Wales came on, I'd ask if you'd ever seen that one knowing full well that it was one of your favorite movies ever. You'd always respond with a, "nah, don't think I have," and we would laugh.

More than anything I just want you back. You were taken from me far too soon, and my heart and mind can't handle it. It tears me up to think that Tyler won't hardly remember you and how great you were, and none of my future children will get the opportunity to know their kind, talented, and wise Grandaddy.

I've had a hard time believing in God and Heaven since you were snatched from my life, but I do so hope that you somehow can hear me or feel my pain and love.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to try to accept, and I thought nothing could ever be more painful and heart wrenching than losing a child. I love you dearly and miss you greatly. My heart is so broken; I don't know how to begin mending it.

Love always,
Jen

Miss You

Dear Daddy,

I miss you every single day and think of you often (just about all the time).  Wish I could have you back if even for a day. 

All I can say today is I MISS YOU, but that doesn't even touch on how sad I am without you.

Love,
Pud Person

Saddest Poem I Ever had to Write

Dear Daddy,

I wrote this poem for you on the morning before your funeral.  I placed a copy next to you at your viewing before I said a final goodbye to your physical being.  I'd like to post the words here too, so I never lose this:

Daddy’s Girl

I’m daddy’s girl,

Always will be,

Even though the Lord,

Has taken you from me.

Watch over us from Heaven, 

High above,

My heart is broken since you’re gone,

But I still feel your love.

We loved to tease each other,

And play all my life,

Laughter was something we could share,

Even in times of strife.

You loved my little Tyler,

With all of your heart,

He will forever be your “Buckaroo,”

As he was from the start.

I know you were proud of me,

And I the same of you,

I wish you could be here one more day,

There is so much left for us to do.

I used to hang onto one of your fingers,

When I was very small,

I made sure to do that one last time,

When the Lord came to call.

You were so strong and wise, Daddy,

And were taken before I was ready,

I needed your level head and gentle heart,

To keep my life moving steady.

I love you to the moon and back,

And even more than that,

I’ll now look up to Heaven knowing,

It is you I’m looking at.

Take care of my little Lily,

Since I’m sure you’ve met her there,

I’ll join you when my time here is through,

Until then, I’ll keep you with me everywhere.

You always loved my poems and writing,

So this is my gift to you,

I hope you can read this from Heaven,

And that it will somehow help me make it through.

Silly Songs

Dear Daddy,

The song "Barefoot Blue Jean Night" came on the radio yesterday, and I remembered that you liked that song.  It also led me to think about a song you used to sing to me when I was little: "Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On." I always liked that. I was also just thinking about a little part of a song that you used to sing a ton ... I'm not sure what song it came from, but it went:

"My hair is still curly, and my eyes are still blue ... Why don't you love me like you used to do?"

You used to sing that to be silly when we were picking at you and such.

The other day I showed Tyler a picture of you and him together, and he told me that you were at work.  I wish that were true.  He also said, "I miss Grandaddy," and I told him that I do too.  I know he won't understand for quite a while what has happened, but I'm trying like crazy to keep the memory of you alive in his little mind.

I wish so much that you were here or that we had even had time to prepare for this to happen. I hope to see you again someday in Heaven. I hope you are happy there with Grandma, Lily, and so many other family members that we have lost.

Love you,
Jen

Funny Memories

Dear Daddy,

I was just thinking about how we used to watch The Andy Griffith show (and Bonanza).  There was a Andy Griffith episode where he makes an arguing husband and wife greet each other with:

"Morning Dear"
"Morning Hun"

You and I took that and started doing it all the time.  It was funny.

There was also a scene from a cartoon movie that we watched together (Open Season).  A little creature ... might have been a porcupine ... keeps saying "Buuuuuuddy."  You used to say that to me also.  It was hilarious.

I'm sure more random memories will continue to pop up.

Love you,
Jen (aka - Dazzle)

A Passing Train

Dear Daddy,

It has been three weeks since you passed away, and it still hurts just as much as ever to admit to myself that I won't see you in this life again.  Today, on the way to work, I was thinking about the last Friday night dinner we had just a few days before you suddenly left us.  We could never decide where to go, and you would always say, "it doesn't matter" or "I don't care, you choose." We were going to Chickfila for the longest time, but I think we were all getting pretty tired of their food.  Tylerman just LOVES that place, but we all know it is because they have a cool playground.  Anyway, on that particular Friday, we couldn't decide, so we asked Tyler what he wanted.  His answer? TACO!  You've never been a huge fan of Mexican food, but if Tyler wanted a taco, you were willing to take one for the team.  We headed over to El Maya by Winn-Dixie, and Tyler got upset because he said he didn't want a Winn-Dixie taco.  After we ate and headed home, we encountered a train.  The crossbars went down, and the longest train I'd ever seen proceeded to go by.  You and I were in the front seat, and we kept searching for the last car.  Mom and Tyler were in the back, and mom started counting cars after the train had been going by for a couple minutes.  We all really enjoyed that little moment, and it came to me this morning, so I wanted to write it down.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and it will just not be the same without you and your famous potato salad.  I'm not sure if you ever decided what your "secret ingredient" was going to be.  I think it was probably love.

I love you so much and miss you terribly!  I hope to see you again someday in Heaven!

Love,
Jen (aka - Pud Person)